I Can't Do This On My Own

I think that there is always a point in our lives when we want to change for the better. We recognize areas of our lives that we are struggling in, and strive to improve them. I noticed that even when I was young I would try and do this. For instance, if I noticed that I was purposely annoying my brother too much, I would try and stop. I continued with trying to improve different things throughout high school and now in college. One thing that I have learned along the way is that I cannot do it on my own. Yes, I can make my own efforts and have the mind set that I want to change these certain things, but I am nothing without God. Obviously, these are areas that I am already struggling in, so why do I try and convince myself that my own efforts are going to fix them? It is through God's power that I am going to be able to change things. The areas that I fall short in are ones that God can change in me. I can attempt to change these areas, but I am not going to get very far. I may see progress for a while, but I am most likely not going to see a lasting change. Instead of trying to fix myself on my own, I am going to choose to let God to work His power in me.

Living to the Extreme

In my life, I tend to live out the extremes. Things have to be one way or the other, or all or nothing. Although this can be good when it comes to the amount of time and effort I devote to my homework (I tend to lean towards the all on the spectrum rather than the nothing), there are areas of my life that this is not so good in. Learning and growth are two things that are a process. When things are a process, we can't look at them and decide whether we are going to give it our all or nothing. If we try and have it all at once, we are going to fail. We are not going to grow all at once. The knowledge that we acquire is not going to happen over night. But the other option, giving nothing and basically giving up, is not going to help us either. When we choose this option, we are cheating ourselves out of growing. I know that this is an area that is a daily struggle for me. On top of this, I am also a perfectionist. I think that a lot of perfectionist tendencies come out of this idea that we have to have it one way or the other. If it is not absolutely perfect, then we might as well give up. Today, I am going to take time to process the idea that life is more than just the extremes. I can choose to focus on the process of growth and how I am going to bring myself to a place where I am not living in the extremes.

Compassion

When asked to describe myself, one word that I would use is empathetic. One word that I would struggle to use is compassionate. There are definitely times that I can be compassionate, don't get me wrong, but at times it is a struggle for me. One thing that I learned this weekend was to combine patience and compassion. I have discovered that I can be compassionate, and there are times where I can be patient, but can I do both at once? In order to be compassionate towards someone else, I think it requires us to be patient with not only the other person, but ourselves. I can try to be compassionate while rushing the other person, but what benefit is that for them? My compassion should extend to not only showing love towards them, but I also should work at their pace. When I show compassion towards them, it is not me who I should be thinking out. It is not my time that I should be concerned with. What I should be concerned with is their well being and what is going to work best for them. I am not saying that this doesn't involve boundaries, because they are necessary. I am saying that when I show compassion to someone else, I need to be more mindful of their pace and abilities to work through something rather than only being concerned with myself.

God is Big, I am Small

Oh, how true this is! But I never really allowed this truth to permeate my life. There are so many characteristics of God that we hear and we know, but do we truly KNOW it? Yesterday, I was humbly reminded of the truth that God is so much bigger than anything going on in my life, or even me. The night before, I had prayed for a small break. I was exhausted not just physically, but emotionally. Yesterday morning I woke up still feeling somewhat down. I thought that a good night's rest would help me, but it really didn't. I checked my email before class, and found out that the county schools were closed. This meant that I did not have to work yesterday. I still went into work to help out with a few things, but it was a refreshing break that I needed emotionally from working with people all the time. God's amazingness didn't stop there! Financially, God is providing in so many amazing ways. My roommates and I are currently looking for a place to live after graduation, and we were blessed to find a place with amazing, Christian landlords. Although it is not set in stone, it was the encouragement that we needed to know that everything is going to be okay. I prayed a small, simple prayer, and God answered in great and mighty ways. God is big, I am small!

Out of Proportion

The big picture is something that I don't always see. When I have a lot going on, I tend to focus in on the small things and forget to look at the big picture. When I am committed to doing so many things, I can become somewhat stressed and irritable when I am around other people. There are always little things that bother me. Normally, I wouldn't make a big deal out of them, but when I am stressed and not looking at the big picture, I can definitely blow the small annoyances out of proportion. Sometimes I just need to step back and really look at what the issue is. Am I really annoyed, or am I just irritable from a lack of sleep and having a ton of things to do? I mean, come on, who really wants to be around someone who reacts negatively to the small annoyances? I am learning to surround myself with friends who will be honest with me about my responses. I have to ask them if I am over reacting, or if my attitude is a positive one. It is so much easier for someone on the outside to see things that we cannot see. So, let's surround ourselves with people who will pour into our lives just as much as we pour into theirs. Let's remember to check ourselves before blowing the small things out of proportion.

Two Different People...Or Maybe Not!

I am sure that many of us are familiar with the passage from the New Testament that talks about those who are in Christ being new creations. The second part of the verse states that "the old has gone and the new has come". I had always thought that this was true for me. When I accepted Christ, I no longer was the party Jen. I no longer was the fun, random, outgoing person that I had always been. For me, I had transformed into this person who was uptight about rules and somewhat nerdy. Today I had a great conversation with someone. I discussed the thought process of mine behind my relationship with Christ. I was honest and said that I hated that I was two different people, and there were definitely times that I missed the "old Jen". What she said to me will forever change my thinking of being a new creation in Christ. Just because we become a Christian does not mean that we change completely who we are. We change our sinful behaviors, but we do not have to completely change our personality and who we are. I can still be the fun, outgoing Jen that I always was. I can still hang out with friends and go to parties, but I need to choose parties that are good. I am not saying that we willingly go to parties that we know are going to be bad, because then we are possibly sending a message to others that we approve of the behavior, but I am saying that we surround ourselves with other believers and remain true to who we are. Just a thought to ponder for the evening.

Courage and Change

Courage is something that we need in every part of our lives. Sometimes, it takes more courage in one situation than it will in another. But lets face it, there are always moments when we need courage to get through something in our day. For me, trying new things is always a risk. I am terrified in some situations, and definitely need a lot of courage. This morning before class while reading out of one of my small books, I was reminded of the serenity prayer. Basically, when praying this prayer, we are asking God for the courage to do the things that are capable of, but we are also asking God for the wisdom to know when there are situations that we are not capable of changing. I am someone who likes to have control. If possible, I would love to change everything around me to be what I want it to be. But, as I have posted in previous posts, we are not able to change the behaviors of other people. They are individuals who have the free will to do as they choose. I think the reminder for me today is to accept the things that I cannot change, but also to rely on God for awareness of the things that I can change. Just because I am not able to change some things does not mean that I am completely helpless and a victim of the world around me. I will choose to focus on areas that I do have control of (such as my attitude and my reactions to others and events around me) and rely on God to show me the areas that I cannot change.

Perfect

While driving home from church this morning, I was thinking about some of the things that our pastor talked about. One thing that he subtly touched on was the idea that even though we want something in our timing or we want to know "why" God is doing something, we don't always get it. We do not understand the things of God, simply because we are not God. This made me think of the many areas of my life that I thought were going perfectly or I thought were going to work out perfectly, but ended up going in a different direction. There are even some situations where I have had others tell me that they think something is going to happen that they are sure is a blessing from God, but it has ended up not happening. This is just a reminder to me that what I or others think is perfect is not what God thinks is perfect. His definition of perfect is something that we cannot understand. His actions and His ways are not things that can be grasped by our understanding. I don't want this to be depressing or discouraging, but there are so many times where we are misled, then we become discouraged or even blame God for things that didn't turn out the way that we wanted them to. I have to keep reminding myself that God's perfect is not the same perfect that I understand.

I Am Not Your Mother

Okay, so sometimes, I have a tendency to mother people. I never realized that I did this until one of my professors (who is much older than I am) lovingly informed me that I was trying to mother her. When she pointed this out to me, I began to examine different relationships and different interactions that I have with people. I started to notice that not only was I trying to mother her, but I have this tendency to mother anyone around me. I panic when I see possible danger areas for one of my friends. I worry about a kid from work because I am afraid that they are making poor choices. Caring about someone else is not a bad thing, but I think sometimes we (myself included) can get so wrapped up with our concern for someone else that we forget to tend to our own needs. It truly is okay to care about someone else and to want the best for them, but it is also important to remember to pay attention to our own needs. Yes, this sounds selfish, but what good are we going to be to other people if our own needs are not being met? Instead of ignoring my needs and mothering everyone on this planet, I am going to choose to pay attention to myself so that I am better able to help those around me.

Choices and Attitudes

Personally, I am someone who loves to be able to make my own choices. If someone is going to make a choice for me, I want to at least have some sort of say in it. Sometimes, however, I notice that the choices that I make are not the best ones. Although things work out in the end, I still recognize that the other option would have been a lot wiser. But what about the small choices that we make on a day to day basis? We make choices almost every minute. We choose to get out of bed in the morning. We choose what clothes we want to wear. We also choose what our attitude is going to be for the day. When I wake up sometimes, I already feel as if I am in a horrible mood (mostly because it is so early in the morning). But each second I have a choice in the way I respond to the people and the situations around me. I can choose to make an effort to be nice to the person that I am working with, or I can choose to try and hurry the conversation so that I can get along with my day. Everything is a choice, even our attitudes. Today, I will choose to examine the attitudes that I have towards different situations and the people that I am around.

What is Comfortable is Not Always Right

There are so many times where I would rather just allow someone to do something because it makes things easier for me or it is something that I am more comfortable with. As I am working more with children, I realize that this is not a good habit to get into. Even though what the kid may be doing is easier for me to monitor, it still may not be the best option for them. This applies to more than just children that I work with, however. For instance, a friend of mine may think that it is a good idea to go and hang out with a guy that we both know isn't good for her, and I tell her that she should because I don't want her to get mad at me or think that I am looking down on her. Although it is more comfortable to tell her its okay, deep down inside we know that it isn't right. Side note: that situation never really happened, it really is just a random example. I guess my point is that even though something seems difficult or it is going to make you feel uncomfortable, don't shy away from it. As for me, I want to be the friend that chooses what is right and best for the other person rather than choosing the option that is going to be easier for the both of us.

Our Sanity

Sometimes, there are people in our lives that are doing things that we would consider insane. They continuously do the same thing, and as family members or good friends of these people, we try our best to have the person stop or control their behavior. When people observe our attempts, we probably appear to be the ones who are insane. One thing that I have learned over the past few months is that no matter how badly I want to change the wrong behavior of a friend or family member, they are ultimately in control. We cannot control another person, but we can control our reactions and the way that we deal with the situation. Rather than trying to change the person's somewhat insane behavior, we can choose to respond in a loving way. This doesn't mean that we allow the person to walk all over us and let them control us, but we make healthy decisions and implement healthy boundaries in these relationships. In the end, this is probably going to be more effective than trying to change the person on our own. This is definitely something that I am having to work on, and it is not an easy concept to grasp. Having control of a situation is much more appealing than having to control my own reactions and responses. But, it is definitely a process that I am working on!

A Common Theme

The current book series that I am reading right now is call Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers. I am currently on the third book, which tells the story of Ruth. The first took books told the stories of Tamar and Rahab. Each of these stories are amazing. After reading the first two, I noticed a common theme among each of these women. Each of these women were originally not Hebrew women. They were not a part of the Israelites, and they were not considered the "chosen people of God". The whole purpose of this lineage is that it leads up to the birth of Christ. Each of these women were chosen to be in a lineage that is beyond amazing. Tamar faced abuse. Rahab was a prostitute. Ruth proved to be faithful. Bathsheba was caught in a sin with David. The final story is about Mary, who is obviously one of the most blessed women that we can learn about. But think about it...these women were nobodies. They were women that had lifestyles that were looked down upon, yet God chose to use them. This proves the point that God can and will use those who are broken and covered in filth. So, next time you think that God can't and won't use you because of your past or who you are, remember each of these women and the amazing baby that was born out of their lineage!

Passions

This morning in church, our pastor talked about the different things that we are passionate about. Immediately, this made me think of a conversation that I had with a professor of mine. We were trying to figure out what I should study in graduate school, and we were listing off the different things that I am interested in. Honestly, this process was rather humorous. I think that this professor was surprised by the randomness of my list. After a while, she came up with a few different things. At the end, she said, "I didn't really know where to fit in your love for running, so you will just have to do that for fun!". It made me laugh at the time, but after this morning's sermon, I see it differently. Running is probably one of my favorite things to do. It definitely is something that I am super passionate about. So why can't I incorporate that into my future career? Who knows what my future career is going to be, but I already see myself incorporating it into my work now. I run an anti-tobacco program at work, and we are working on setting up a 5K to benefit the American Cancer Society. I am beyond excited to be able to incorporate my passion for running into my current work. Moral of the story: no matter how random your passion may seem, there are still going to be ways for you to pursue it :-)

Repeat Annoyance

Growing up, my mom would tell my brother and I to clean our rooms, usually on a daily basis. Most of the time, she had to tell us to do it more than once. After the first couple of times hearing her say the same thing, I would become annoyed. My famous saying was "I heard you the first time, mom!". Obviously, I did hear her the first time. It was the concept of taking action that was lacking. I recently read something that opened my eyes to see this situation in a whole new life. As a young adult now, I realized that there are still times when people will repeat themselves to me. And, my response is usually the same. It isn't that the person doesn't think that we didn't hear them the first time. The other person see's that we are not acting on what is being said, or we are having difficulty understanding what the other person is said. In order to get the point across to us, they must repeat themselves. It is in this that we can begin to ask questions and learn more about what the person is saying or what they are wanting us to do. Although hearing someone repeat something over and over can be annoying, I think that instead of seeing it as an annoyance, it would be more beneficial to see the intent behind what the person is repeating. If we are not succeeding at doing what this person is asking of us, we can find out how we can succeed. Although this may be a stab to the pride, rather than seeing this as an annoyance, why not choose to learn from it and grow? If we listen to these things that are being repeated, we may learn more about ourselves and become more aware of how we can better ourselves.

Here We Go!

Here it is! The blog is back up and running after many months of me choosing to do other things instead of blogging! Each day, I hope to post new insights from classes, friends, and my job. I am finding that I am learning something each day from different people, and why keep these lessons to myself? In my mind I am singing "sharing is caring, it can be fun...". Oh, yeah, and, you guessed it, there will be a lot of rambling and nonsense along the way!

The other day while meeting with a group of friends, we discussed the topic of emotional intimacy. Of course my friends and I have to have deep conversations. As we went around the table and began to share with one another what we thought was the real meaning of emotional intimacy, I noticed that each of us shared a definition based on our own personal experiences. A common theme among all of our definitions was that of trust. In order to have a connection and to experience emotional intimacy with someone, we must have a sense of trust in that person. If there is no trust, we will not feel safe to be ourselves or to form a connection with them. At the end of the discussion, one of my friends made probably the most profound statement of the evening. She said "now, what we just experienced, that is emotional intimacy." What a blessing it is to be a part of such a wonderful small group!