Use Me

Over the past few months, one thing that I have noticed that I have not asked of God is for Him to use me. I have asked Him for many things, of course, but in selfish reasoning and with selfish motives. It is so easy to go to Him when I feel as if everything in my life is a mess. But, when things are going well and I am not asking anything of Him, I neglect to even pray. In church this morning, we talked about the different gifts that we each have, and how God can use any gift for His glory. As I sat there, I began to think, "okay God, show me these gifts!" But then, I realized that God has shown me so many times the things that I am talented in, but what am I doing to use them? I ask Him to show me these gifts, but am I ready for Him to use me? We want so badly for Him to show us these things and to prepare us for His work, but when do we act on it? When do we take action and begin to use those gifts and talents for His kingdom? As I reflect back, the words are so easy to say, but is my heart ready? Am I ready for my Creator to use me in whatever way He wishes? Am I ready to take the gifts and talents that He has blessed me with and use them even if it is not the most appealing situation for me? Today, I am reminding myself that where He leads, I will follow.

What Kind of Friend

Recently, I have been questioning myself about what kind of friend I want to be to others. Sometimes, I think I am the friend that everyone goes too because I sympathize, empathize, and support them, even if they are the one in the wrong. One of my main reasons for doing this is because I do not like to face conflict. I have this fear that if I tell my friend the truth, they will not want to talk to me again or not think of me as a good friend. But, am I being a good friend when I am simply encouraging them to continue in a negative behavior? It really isn't helping them when they continuously are getting hurt or setting themselves up for something that is not good for them. Nothing really has happened recently that has prompted this, but I have noticed close friends of mine telling me the hard things, and I have not really liked it. Well, at first I didn't like it, but the truth is, I am learning and growing from what they are telling me. It is causing me to reflect on what kind of friend that I am. Am I friend that has Christ at the center? Am I a friend that stretches the other person and allows for them to see areas that they need to grow in? We are a body, and we need to support one another as such. When someone can't see one thing, we can encourage them by showing them the way. Instead of being the passive friend, I am going to choose to be a better friend to all.

More of You

Lately, I have noticed that there are many things that I am slacking in. One of those things is my relationship with God. I am not saying that it is completely non existent or anything, but I have allowed myself to become so busy that I have neglected to spend anytime in prayer or in scripture. Today in chapel, the speaker said something that really stuck out to me. She said, "just because you go to a Christian school and go to chapel, doesn't mean that you have a relationship with Christ." Relationships are something that need tended to. They aren't things that we can ignore and expect to remain in good shape. Relationships require work and a lot of attention. When we neglect a friendship, maybe when we move away from one another, we find ourselves slipping further and further away from the other person. If I am so willing to pay attention to my relationships with my friends, why can't I feel the same about God? Why can't I put so much time into prayer or reading His word? I convince myself that it is more important for me to study or to rest, but are those things really more important than my relationship with Him? One thing that I definitely need to examine is my priority and commitment to my relationship with Christ. Am I going to actively pursue Him, or am I going to sit back and become idle?

Quick Fix

If someone were to tell me that every pain, addiction, or sin could be taken care of overnight, I'd join in the cheering and immediately ask where I needed to go. You see, when something is painful or annoying to us, we will do anything to make it go away. The irony of it all is that we want the situation to change just like that. For example, if it is something that we are addicted to, we want God to take away our desires and the addiction right away. How long did it take for us to become addicted to whatever it is? It surely didn't happen overnight, so why do we so often expect or even demand that something be fixed overnight? When I am in pain, I have little patience. I want whatever it is to go away immediately. This weekend I ended up with a random rash covering my body, and immediately after going to the doctors I expected it to go away. That's not how it works. It took away for that rash to even come about. I was scratching for days before the rash even showed up. But yet, I expect it to go away after one round of medication? This applies in so many areas of our lives. The quick fixes that we so desperately search for are rarely ever successful. Sometimes we have to dig deep into the issue and work through it for a while before we even start to see a change. Instead of searching for that quick fix, I am going to choose to learn patience and work through things.

Getting Off the Roller Coaster

Personally, I love roller coasters, and anything super awesomely fun like them! I have never really been too sure as to why I like them, I just know that I do. Sometimes when we get off of the roller coaster, we feel dizzy and somewhat out of it. Our balance can be wobbly and we may feel as if we are going to fall over. The same thing happens when we finally let someone into our lives and allow them to know the truth about what is going on. When something big is going on in our lives, it is so easy to try and keep it to ourselves. We are told that if we share our problems with others, we will feel a lot better. But is that true? When we first share with someone, we may feel uneasy and nervous about what is going to happen next. But, just like when we get off the roller coaster, it take a while to feel "normal" again. Not only do we feel normal, but we have feelings towards the ride that we were just on. If it was a positive experience, we will have positive feelings. My thoughts today are rather than being discouraged and frightened by the unstable feelings we may have when we first share a problem with someone, we should look forward to the excitement and positive feelings that we can experience after. Only then can we possibly move towards feeling truly released from whatever is going on.

Don't Be Alone

When I find myself not wanting to face those around me, or wanting to spend more time alone than usual, I have to examine what is going on with me. Sometimes, things can seem so overwhelming that I don't want to face them. It is easier to run away from things rather than to face them. I think that I can do things on my own. Why do I need other people to help when I can help myself? Can I really help myself, or am I simply convincing myself that I can? Isolation is not the answer. Yes, it may feel safer and like it is an easier option, but it truly isn't. Its the times where I don't want to be around others that I need it the most. Isolating myself is only going to lead me to feeling worse about whatever is going on. God places those people in our lives to be a source of encouragement. He places those people there to help us through whatever it is we are going through. Why, then, do we always feel as if we can do things on our own? Allowing ourselves to dwell on the problem rather than reaching out to the multitudes of resources only is going to add to the problem. Today, I am going to choose to rely on my friends and allow them to turn to me as a resource as well.

Imperfections

In my opinion, one of my biggest faults or weaknesses is that I am a perfectionist. This can be a good thing at times when I am needing to get something done correctly, but I see that there are more negatives to it than positives. I compare myself to others so much. Getting an A on an exam is nothing if I know that half of the class did better than me. If I run a mile in 8 minutes, I will think I did awful if the other person running with me ran it in 7 and a half minutes. This brought about one question for me, "Who am I!?" Am I becoming what everyone around me wants me to be? Am I allowing myself to be so consumed with being perfect that I am losing touch of who I really am? Where is my identity? In this world, or in the One who made me? How far will I go to conform to the world? Will I allow someone else to determine who I am? These questions may seem somewhat ridiculous, but they are so true! We live in a society that encourages so many negative behaviors, and more often than not, we give in to them. Although we know they are wrong, we continue to do them because we want to be liked in the world's eyes. But how far will we go? How far will I go to allow others around me and circumstances to determine who I am? My identity is not in this world, but from Him, who sees past my failures and imperfections.

What To Do

One of the things that frustrates me the most is when someone tries to tell me what to do. I love to have control over situations, particularly ones that are involving my own life. When someone tells me specifically what I need to do, I probably won't do it. Instead of listening to their advice, I try to do things on my own. I love hearing the opinions from other people, but I like to make my own decisions. The irony of this all is that decision making is not one of my favorite things. But, if I can make my own decisions, I feel better. Recently I have been putting a lot of thought into my life and how much I let others speak into it. Although no one can make my decisions for me, I do have a choice to listen to what they say and take from it what I wish. When I am trying to help another person, I am taking away their dignity and their ability to be an individual when I try to make decisions for them. Sometimes, we have to sit back and watch as others make their decisions. Although we may think that they are making a bad choice, we cannot do it for them. We can only speak into their lives and pray for them. I have to remind myself of this all of the time. Others cannot make my decisions for me, but I can choose to listen to their wisdom and decide from there.

Changing Roles

The roles that we play in our families growing up are sometimes unhealthy, but necessary. Even though the roles were beneficial and served us well when we were younger, we don't have to stay with those roles throughout our lives. We can choose to deviate from them. We can choose to take on a new role, maybe one that is more healthy. For example, there is no way that I can play the same role now that I did when I was little. I live over 8 hours away from home. Trying to keep the same role as when I was 12 is not going to work. I have to evaluate what my new role is going to be, then commit to the change. Obviously, there are going to be people who are not happy with the way that we change or the new roles that we decide to take on, but there are going to be those individuals who are accepting and encouraging of our decision. Instead of being afraid of the negative reaction from those around me, I am going to take on the idea of change and work towards figuring out what role would be best for me to take on. I no longer need to worry about not being adequate or not filling my role properly. If something is not reasonable or is impossible, I am not going to be able to be the best person that I can be. Taking on a new role or redefining what our role isn't easy, but sometimes is necessary.

Meditation

Oh, how I would love to be able to spend at least 5 minutes a day in meditation. So why don't I? That is something that I have been asking myself for a couple of days now. I say that I am so busy that I can't even spend 5 minutes to myself, but I know that that is not true. When I go to bed, do I immediately fall asleep? Of course not! So, why not then? Why can't I take time to spend in prayer and meditation on God's word and who He is? So many times I think I make excuses for myself. When others around me affirm that I am super busy and commend me for still being alive with my schedule, it just reinforces to me that I do not have time to meditate on God. I need to stop making excuses for myself and do what I say I am going to do. Just because I am busy does not mean that I do not have time for God. I make time for my friends, so why can't I make time for God? Rather than allowing myself to not spend time in quiet, I need to find times where I can be alone and simply sit in quiet. For me, quiet is something that is scary and not fun. I would much rather be up doing something and making a lot of noise. So, my challenge to not only myself but others is to find a time in the day where you can just sit and be quiet.

Too High of Expectations

Perfectionism may not seem like it is that big of a deal, but when you experience it on a daily basis, it really is. Striving for perfection or setting expectations that are too high for yourself can lead to more stress than what is necessary. When I was little, I would constantly try and compete with my older brother. Both of us have fairly competitive personalities, which didn't help our relationship. This of course led to us constantly fighting, but it also led to us spending a lot of time together because we enjoyed the same things. As I look back on high school, I realize that I had very high expectations of myself when it came to sports. I would set goals that were nearly impossible to meet, then would be disappointed in myself when I wouldn't reach them. This led to me constantly comparing myself to others. I would always strive to get the better grades or the faster mile time. In college, this issue has gotten worse. Getting an A- in a class is unacceptable. Even getting straight A's leaves me feeling empty. But the question I am asking myself recently is, "why make it so difficult?" Why can't I just keep things simple? Today, I want to strive to simplify my life and reexamine my expectations that I have for myself.

Stop Being Passive!

Over and over again I have to remind myself to stop being passive in certain situations. Conflict is something that I try to avoid at all costs. Rather than confront someone or bring up an issue that could lead to a conflict, I choose to ignore it or personally take the blame for anything that goes wrong. I know where a lot of these behaviors stem from, but it wouldn't do me any good to dwell on the things that I cannot control. Rather than focus on the negatives that have led to these behaviors, I can choose to work on myself and be more aware of the situations that I allow these things to happen in. Most likely, confronting the person or bringing something up is going to be more beneficial than me holding it inside. The situation may not even be a big deal, and the person's reaction is so much better than I anticipated. But, the steps leading up to confrontation are what's the most difficult. Thinking about confrontation makes me sick to my stomach at times. One of my biggest fears is having to face different situations each day that require these sorts of confrontations. Rather than being afraid and allowing my fear to control me, I can choose to stand up for myself rather than being passive. Instead of taking the blame for things, I can look at a situation honestly and determine for myself what needs to be done.

What I Cannot See

There are times where I act just like a little kid. For instance, I tend to ask why a lot. Last week I babysat a toddler, and while reading her bedtime story, she continuously asked "why are they doing this, who is that?", and so on. The story should have taken maybe 10 minutes to read, but it took us about 20 minutes. It reminded me of the many times that I ask "why?". If I am asked to do something that I don't really want to do, I will ask why. There has to be a purpose behind everything that I do. Childish, right? I started to notice that I do this a lot with God. When something doesn't go my way, I ask God why. If life is difficult and I am getting annoyed with the way that things are going, I ask God why. But, when I look back on the many instances where I asked God why, I notice that He had a plan behind every little thing. Even though it may not have been something that I was aware of at the time, God still worked through those situations. I am even starting to see areas of my life where good is coming from the bad. Those situations are definitely ones that I was asking God about, but without them, I wouldn't be able to make a connection with a kid at work, or empathize with a hurting friend. Even though I may not like the situations that I am going through, I will look at the things that I cannot see as blessings.

Self Awareness

One thing that I have been trying to work on with myself is my own self awareness. I want to become more aware of the moments that I am starting to feel down. I want to become more aware of the times when I am getting irritated with people around me. When I am feeling frustrated or sad, most likely, it is not the fault of those around me. Just because there are circumstances that have caused me to feel different ways, its not my friend's fault. Self awareness is more than just being aware of how I react to others around me. It is also about noticing how my behaviors are affecting those around me. I have to remember that the people around me are not targets for my emotions. This may be somewhat elementary, but the saying "treat people the way that you want to be treated" is very true. If I don't want to be the target of other people's emotions, then why do I so often take my frustrations out on others? Even if it is their fault, there are better ways of handling my emotions. So, not only am I trying to become more self aware, but I am also trying to be more socially aware. By examining my emotions and reactions to those around me, I can become a better friend and a more positive person to be around.

Misplaced Responsibility

One of my characteristics that I think many people know is that I love to have control. I'm pretty sure that have been many blog posts with me stating this fact as well. I allow this control hunger to permeate every part of my life. When I see that someone is having a problem, I want to take on the responsibility of helping them through it. I am not saying that this is a bad thing, because we all need other people to walk through the difficult things with us, but it can become a problem. For instance, I take on the responsibility of not just walking with this person, but also fixing them. I believe that this is out of good intentions (wanting to see the other person heal or come out of the situation strong), but I know that it is not good. When I see someone I love not doing what they should be doing or regressing in the process, I begin to believe that I did something to fail them. This is misplaced responsibility. It is not my job or my responsibility to make the changes for them. Only we can desire to make the changes in our own lives. Instead of being disappointed or feeling like a failure when I see someone that I care about regressing, I will walk along side them and continuously pray for them.