Patiently Waiting

After a lot of thought, I came to the conclusion that patience is not one of my best qualities. It is something that I have definitely been trying to improve on, but am making slow progress with. One of the things that comes from my lack of patience is frustration. I become easily frustrated if things are not done as quickly as I want them to, or if something that I want to happen just isn't happening. Another area that I notice frustration is when I am expecting something to happen or I am planning something that is supposed to happen, and then all of a sudden things change quickly. I do not practice patience by any means in those areas. The past couple of weeks has taught me that I need to be working in this area. I have been around others who have shown me what it means to be patient, but then I have also been around others who have annoyed me because I felt as if they were being impatient of the dumbest things. This has taught me two different things. The first being that there is a lot of room for me to grow in the area of patience. The second being that I need to work on the frustrations. Just because someone else is being impatient with something that I feel is unimportant does not mean that it is not something that is of importance to them. Rather than becoming frustrated and lacking patience, I can step back and evaluate the situation instead.

The Heart

In a few words, I would describe my day as extremely long. I felt as if it was never going to end. Last night, I was able to have a long conversation with someone. Although there were things in the conversation that made me feel uncomfortable, I realize that they were things that I needed to hear. I am not even sure if this person knew that this was something that I needed to hear. As I went through my day today, I realized that there were so many times where I had means thoughts about someone else, or my intentions were not the greatest. I began to become annoyed with myself, because I couldn't stand that I was doing these things. One thing that I wanted to examine was the state of my heart. I wasn't ready to accept that I had allowed my heart to harden to certain things. I was so set on blaming other people and the things around me rather than blaming myself. I came upon Jeremiah 17:9 tonight, which not only verified my thoughts, but also spoke truth into my life. So, basically, rather than acting or thinking based off of the things that I feel, I know that I have a God that I can turn to. I know that my heart and my feelings are not going to be the most accurate or pure reasons.

Suffering

Well, there probably isn't anything more depressing than seeing a blog post entitled suffering. In my mind, it wasn't supposed to sound depressing, so don't worry. This morning in church one of the passages that was read talked about the sufferings of generations to come because of the sins of the previous generation. I of course began to think negatively. Why is God portrayed as a forgiving and merciful God, yet He still punishes people for sins that their ancestors committed? As I sat there and thought about the different ways that I have seen suffering and personally suffered, I noticed that I was becoming angry with God. How was any of this fair? After a while, I realized that if I were going to use the same thinking as I was this morning, I could say that it isn't fair that I am living in a sinful world because Adam and Eve decided to go against God. As I began to think about this, I started to laugh. Not because this scenario is humorous, but because I actually thought that if I were in Eve's situation that I would do something different. How can I blame the sins of others for my suffering, when I know that my own sin has caused other people to suffer? Rather than seeing my suffering as someone elses fault and blaming God, I can show mercy and grace towards other people and remember how my sin has caused suffering in other people's lives.

He Answers

There have been many times in my life where I have wondered whether or not God truly hears my prayers or not. I had someone once tell me that God answers prayers the way that He wants to and within His will, not necessarily the way that I want things to work out. After hearing that, I then assumed that nothing I wanted or planned was within God's will. I carried this out to every plan that I made. I had these desires to do certain things, but I believed that God didn't want me to do those things. Lately, I have relied a lot on prayer. I am not saying that I never prayed before, but there have been times recently where I have felt as if prayer was all that I had. I am slowly learning that it is not necessarily that God doesn't want me doing any of the things that I would like to do, its just that it is all in His timing. Just because I want something to happen right away or I want it to happen at the exact moment that I would like it to doesn't mean that God is going to it allow it to happen. I am slowly learning that within His timing, He will answer prayers. God does listen, and He does answer in His own way and His own time. Simple truth that many of us have probably heard many times, but one that can be hard to consider.

Out of My Hands, Into God's

One of the biggest things that I struggle with is seeing other people make choices that are not good for them. Of course, I think that I know what is better for them and think that I can make decent choices for them. Last night I was having a discussion with a couple of people, and I noticed that this was something that I was struggling with. One person told me that there are so many times when we worry about people or try and have control over them because we think that we are the people that can ultimately help them, but that is not true. There are many times where we have people come and go from our lives, so why do we think that it should be different for other people? Why should we think that we are the only ones that can be in their lives? The most important piece of advice that I received from this person is that rather than trying to worry and control our relationship to another person, we should pray that Godly people will come into their life and influence them. After hearing this, I realized that this again is a control issue. Rather than thinking that I need all of the control and that what I know is best, I can turn it over to the care of God and allow Him to work His plan out.

Joy and Happiness

Recently, I have come across the passage in James that talks about considering it joy when you face trials of many kinds. When I first read it a few years back, I began to question how one could possibly find joy in a situation that would be considered a trial. Of course, there are some trials that I would consider better than others, but I still wouldn't think that I would experience joys in those situations. One of the things that I learned in college from several people was that joy and happiness are not the same thing. Yes, I know, simple truth, but for me, it was difficult to grasp. After thinking about this verse and my newly developed comprehension of the difference between joy and happiness, I realized that I can have joy in situations that are not the greatest. This passage is not telling me that I have to be extremely happy and overwhelmed with happiness. But, I can be joyful in the fact that I am a child of God that can experience trials and suffer for His name. Will I be happy? Probably not. The pain that we may experience is not something that we would exhibit happiness over. It is okay not to like whatever we are going through, but it is still possible for us to experience some sort of joy.

In The Way

Today, I had a long 8 or so hour drive back to Indiana. Of course, I scanned the radio mot of the time. On a side note, I think that even if I did find a station that was good, I still pushed the button to scan because that was more entertaining after a while. Anyways, that was a tangent. One of the songs that I continuously heard was Jesus, Friend of Sinners by Casting Crowns. When I first heard this song, I was somewhat annoyed because I figured that it would be just another, over-played song. Each time I heard it, I heard the same part over and over again. The gist of the line was that we allow people to see what we are against rather than what we are for. We allow our own judgments and criticisms get into the way of who God is and what being a child of God really means. As I was driving, I began to think of the many times that I have allowed these things to interfere with my relationships. I have many people in my life who are not followers of Christ, and I know that there are many times where I am judgmental and somewhat critical of them because they are "sinning". First thought that came to my mind was that I cannot expect them to follow the same "laws" that I do when they do not claim to be children of God. The second thought that came to my mind was that they are not seeing Christ through me. If I am a representative of who Christ is, then I am doing a miserable job. Rather than showing the graceful, merciful, and loving God, they are seeing a judgmental God who has a ton of rules. Rather than being judgmental and critical of others, I can show the people in my life who Christ really is.

Mercy

Currently, I am reading a book that if nothing more, displays the extent of God's mercy. At one point in the book, a character basically stated that they could not punish someone for a sin when God had shown them great mercy. When I read this, I was amazed at how one person can show mercy towards another, but then as I continued to read, it became more clear. God can show us mercy, and we receive the punishment that we deserve according to Him. We face the consequences, but also are blessed with repentance and redemption. When we say the same thing that we cannot punish someone for a sin when we have received mercy from God, we are playing God. It is one thing to show mercy to someone who is truly repenting and remorseful for their sin, but when we allow the sin to go unpunished and things are basically ignored, we allow more trouble to come in. In the case of this story (which happens to be about King David and his son), a more severe consequence comes upon them. Hostility develops between David's sons and turmoil becomes a common theme in their home. Summary of all of this...I am reminded that although I have received mercy from God, I am not God. I cannot know the true state of another person's heart, and I cannot be the judge of that. I can know that God does know my heart and will judge me accordingly, showing my grace and mercy for repentance that I bring.

Stubborn

If there was one word to describe me, it would probably be stubborn. Okay, so there are a lot of other words that could describe me as well, but usually the one I hear most often is stubborn. Before, I used to think that this was strictly a negative characteristic. Growing up when my mom would tell me that I was stubborn, it was usually because I refused to clean my room or do something else. Most of the time, my stubbornness comes out when I refuse to do something or will purposely ignore someone or something in order to have control. Over the years I have learned that being stubborn is not always a bad thing. For instance, a stubborn person can have really strong boundaries and can withstand pressure from others. This morning, I discovered that being stubborn can be negative not just in our relationships with other people, but also in our relationship with God. Sometimes, we can feel so exposed and so imperfect that we refuse to allow God to change us. We run because we are scared. I have noticed that a lot of times, it is a pride issue. Not only am I ashamed and afraid of my sin and imperfections, but I also am way too stubborn to admit that I am in the wrong. I know that I am in the wrong, and God surely knows that I am in the wrong, but somehow in my mind, being stubborn is a safer option. Why be stubborn to the one who can break down any walls that I put up? Today I can choose to begin to tear down those walls.

We Are Not God

Recently, I learned a very hard lesson. I so often try to understand why someone does something. In particular, I try to understand why people do bad things. I try to get to what is going on at the time, which leads me to make excuses for them. Not only do I make excuses for them, but I also try to think that I know what will best help them. Okay, so help may be an understatement. I sometimes think that I know how to fix their problems. First problem with this is that I do not know where that person is at. Just because I see that there are things in their lives that need to change doesn't mean that they can see it. They may not be at point in their lives where they think that whatever is going on is an issue. The second problem with this is that I am not God. I do not know what is best for another person. Let's be honest. I don't even know what is best for me. If I am going to intentionally try and fix someone or "make them get help", then I am trying to play the role of God. Only God knows what the person truly needs and knows the true desires of their hearts. I have no room to interfere, and is definitely something that I need to work on. Instead of having to fix everyone, I can choose to allow God to work.

Remaining Neutral

One thing that I have learned is that I am very much a people pleaser. I am someone who wants to be friends with everyone and cannot stand when there is conflict. As an adult, I have learned that being friends with everyone is something that was mainly applicable in elementary school. I am not saying that we cannot be friends with everyone, but our friendships are going to look differently. For instance, say I am friends with one person because we both love sports. Then, I could be friends with another person who hates sports, but we both love to read. Obviously, I am not going to invite my sport-loving friend to come and hang out with my book-loving friend and I. Growing up, being friends with everyone meant that I not only had to be friends with everyone, but they also had to be friends with one another. This is something that is not going to happen. In some cases, we may even find ourselves in friendships with people who do not like one another. That is where remaining neutral comes in. Rather than trying to fix everything and being "two-faced", we can remain neutral and still be friends with both of them. Rather than trying to please everyone, I can remain neutral and be an honest friend.

Is It Too Much?

Many times I have been reminded of the passage in Corinthians that talks about God not giving us more than we can handle. Let's be honest, after a while of hearing this, we can become annoyed by it. I know for me, this is something that I would rather not hear, particularly when I feel as if life is too overwhelming. The other day, I heard a different viewpoint on this. Do we sometimes think that what we are going through is too much, when really it isn't? Or, is it too much because we continue to try and do things our own way rather than allow God to do things His way? This second question was the one that got me. Yes, when I continuously try to do things my own way and try to fix things on my own, of course I am going to feel overwhelmed and as if I can't handle things. But, what would happen if I allowed God to take the lead and take control of the situations? Would I then be able to handle things? I think that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and I think that it isn't too much for us to handle when we allow Him to take control of it. Rather than trying to have control like I always do, maybe it would be more beneficial to allow God to work things out. Instead of stressing and feeling as if I can't handle the things going on in my life, I can choose to allow God to work through me and give me the strength to handle things.

Change

For many people who know me, they know that one of my biggest problems is dealing with change. I don't like when things in my life change so dramatically that I am unsure of what I am doing. The past couple of weeks have been full of nothing but change. Not only did the semester end, but graduation occurred, and we also moved into a new apartment. I really struggled at first with finding ways to keep myself positive about the change. I started to realize that every time I had a negative thought, there was something positive that could have been said about the situation. During the school year, one of my biggest annoyances was that I felt as if I wasn't spending a lot of time with the kids that I work with. Now that I am not taking classes for a couple of months, I have time to spend with them. Rather than viewing the extra time as a negative, I can change the thoughts into something positive. I believe that we can choose to focus on the negatives, or we can choose to fight and look at the positives. I know that I have said this before, but I think that it is really important for us to remember that we can choose how we want to look at a situation. I am not recommending that we completely ignore the negatives and basically go into denial. I'm saying that rather than remaining stuck on the negatives, we can choose to dwell on the positives. Rather than allowing myself to get stuck, I can choose to remain positive.

Unmanageable and Out of Control

Unmanageable and out of control are not two things that I would use to describe my life. A few years ago, possibly, but definitely not currently. I was having a conversation with someone last evening and these were two of the things that she brought up to describe a current situation. I for sure do not feel as if these two statements even describe the situation, but as I continued to listen, I began to understand what she was getting at. This situation is one that is unmanageable and out of control because there are other people involved. I cannot control other people, and I cannot manage how they are going to respond or how they are going to deal with the situation. Therefore, the situation is definitely one that I would consider to be unmanageable and out of MY control. It is within the control of God, and the other's involved of course, but there is really nothing that I can do to change the mind of those who are involved. I need to learn to allow others to have the dignity to make their own decisions and be who they are, not who I want them to be. This is definitely a growing and learning experience for me since I am someone who loves to have control and wants to know what the outcome of a situation is going to be beforehand. Rather than worrying and stressing about things that I cannot manage or control, I can choose to have faith in a God who does have control and who can manage these situation.

It's A Choice

This morning, I woke up feeling terrible. Not physically, but emotionally. I felt as if I wanted nothing to do with this day and would have rather went straight back to bed. Why? Good question, because I don't think I even know what was going on. All I know was that I felt as if I needed to go back to bed and wake up just to start the day over. But would that really help? It might have, but what if it wouldn't have? Would I just have to keep going back to bed and waking up until I felt so much better about things? Why waste all of that time when I could choose to look at things differently? Rather than thinking that this day is a waste and that there is no reason for me to even do anything, I can choose to look at all of the things that I need to do and not focus on the negatives going on around me. I have control over how I perceive the things going on around me. I can choose to be negative or I can choose to be positive. Obviously, choosing to think negatively and isolate myself will not do any good. As I sit here typing this, so many negative thoughts continue to flood my mind, but I have a choice to respond to them or truly look at them for what they are. They are nothing more than things that are going to bring me down and have no purpose. If they had a purpose, of course I would choose to explore them, but they don't. Today is going to be a good day, and I have the choice to decide that.

Re-Training

As I was falling asleep last night, I noticed that most of the thoughts that were going through my head were negative. I was telling myself all of the negative things about me and how I need to change them. Don't get me wrong, I think that when we see a shortcoming in our lives that it is good that we notice them and work to make the change, but that is not what I am talking about. The thoughts that were going through my mind were completely negative and useful for nothing more than putting myself down. As I was laying there, I became more and more frustrated with myself, which then caused me to begin to criticize myself on how I always think negatively. A cycle that is humorous, but somehow possible. This morning, I have been focusing on the idea that I need to re-train my thoughts. Telling myself to simply stop thinking those things is not going to work. In order to re-train my thoughts, I need to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. Just to make sure that I am working my hardest on this, why not think of 2 positive thoughts for every negative? I kind of relate this to dieting. If we want to stop eating junk food, we can't simply tell ourselves to just stop eating. We need to replace those unhealthy foods with more healthy ones. The same principle can be applied to our thoughts. In order to drown out the negative thoughts and train our minds to focus on the positives, we need to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones.

The Power of Two

Today, I had the joy of having lunch with an amazing woman. Honestly, I could sit and listen to her for hours. Her story is amazing, and when listening to her, I can truly see a miracle that God has worked. The awesome thing is that she gives no credit to herself or anyone else for that matter. All of the change in her life is accredited to Christ. One of the things that we talked about was the true nature of the church. Was the church created to be so legalistic to the point where certain sins seem to be unforgivable? If they are forgivable, it takes a while for the church to forgive and it usually happens after things have died down with the situation. One thing that she brought up was the importance of having someone that we can just be real with. How are we going to experience growth and change if we cannot be real with anyone? We then are continuing to live in the dark and hiding our sinful nature from those around us. As long as those things are in the dark, we are going to continue in them. This brought up the idea of the power of two. When there are two people who are able to experience life together and be real with one another, we can see growth. Of course, it is really what we make it, but we can get a lot from these relationships if we choose to make the most of it. Rather than hiding and not being open, I can choose to be open and real and allow a change to be worked in my life.

From the Mind, to the Heart, to the Hands

As I have been looking back over this semester and how things have changed for me, I began to wonder how and why they have changed. Before, I always thought that if I wanted to change something or stop doing something, I would simply focus on the behavior and trying to stop it. After thinking about this, I realized that focusing on the behavior really isn't going to change something. When we begin to start in something, the act begins in the mind. We think about the act and why we want to do it, and then we decide to act. After a while, this behavior becomes a part of our life and really can reflect the state of our heart. The things that we desire at times are the things that are closest to our hearts. So rather than focusing on the behavior and what I am actually doing, why not focus on my state of mind and the state of my heart? What does my behavior say about my heart? This process showed me so many different things that need changed again, and it also showed me where my heart truly is. It is so easy to full ourselves into thinking that our hearts are pure, but are they really? We may act in a way to cover up the true state of our hearts, but the hidden behaviors and the things that we do that we want no one to see will someday surface. Today I am choosing to look at these areas rather than living in the dark.

In His Image

So far this week (and yes, I realize that it is only Tuesday), I have experienced some pretty stressful situations. At first, I had to hold back my tears as I realized that things were not going as planned. Then, I realized that I was reacting in such an immature way. How selfish am I to be so concerned about how everything was affecting me when in reality, I needed to adjust and turn to God. As I began to pray and think about everything that was going on, the conclusion that I continuously came to was this: you are made in MY image. A few words, but words that mean so much. If I am to be the image of Christ, how should I respond to situations? Should I lash out and take all of my anger out on the other person? Or, should I show them compassion and understanding, but at the same time, setting boundaries and loving the other person? The latter answer was the one that kept coming to my mind. It occurred to me that all of this went beyond forgiveness as well. It was more than just forgiving other people and giving second chances. It came down to whether or not my actions would match my beliefs. If we are not Christ to those around us, then how can we expect Christ to work through us and permeate our every being? Today, I want to follow in His steps and radiate His image.

Living in the Now

These past few weeks have been some of the longest weeks that I have gone through. I am so thankful that they are over, but also thankful for the many lessons that I have learned and experienced. Throughout these past few weeks, I was living for the future, and sometimes even living in the past. There were so many times where I questioned "what if I would have..." or "what am I going to do...". Looking back, these are things that I am not proud of. The mess that I created and that consumed my life is not something that I want to happen ever again. But isn't that what our lives are? Complete messes that we get ourselves into, and then God miraculously works things out for His glory? At the end of last week, I had someone tell me that even though things have calmed down, I needed to see how I could use this experience and grow from it. I was so focused on the mess itself that I ignored that it could be a lesson that I could learn from. Today I was reminded of this same truth. No matter what we are going through or what life is for us, God has a purpose and we can choose to live in His will and purpose, or we can choose to view it negatively and just strive to get by. I don't want to be that person. Instead of focusing on the mistakes that were made and the mess that I was in, I can choose to allow God to use that situation to open my eyes and learn from it. Right now, I want to live in the now and allow Him to work all things for His purpose. Here's to a new beginning and moving forward rather remaining stuck in the past.

Unconditional Love

So often, we search for someone to love us no matter what we do. No matter how badly we screw up, we want this person to always be there and accept us. Let's be honest, this is hard to find in life. No matter what, people are going to have their opinions. The choices that we make are going to affect those around us. Recently, I was having a conversation with someone about how we so often try to find these people that are going to accept us. The person that I was having this conversation with is someone that I would consider a great support and someone who loves unconditionally, even if it does hurt her. One thing that she reminded me of was that we are to be imitators of Christ. This is something that can be so difficult to live out. If we want to be imitators of Christ, it means that we also need to try to love like He loves. This can be very difficult. When we are wronged my someone else, we want to run away and never look back. If we choose to love that person no matter what, we put ourselves at risk of being hurt by them again. Regardless, I want to follow Christ and choose to love like He has loved. Today, I want to choose to love those who are most difficult to love.

Guilt or Remorse?

When we do something wrong and want to turn back to God, are we doing it because of the consequences, or are we doing it because of our genuine remorse and concern for our relationship with Christ? I was pondering this tonight as I was thinking about my own relationship with Christ. I notice that there are times where I will drift away or choose to slide away because what I am doing or thinking does not match up with my relationship with Christ. When there is that dissonance, the easiest thing for us to do is to give one of the two things up. Most of the time, when we are in sin, we are not wanting to give it out. So, we will find that it is much easier to walk away from Christ than to give up the one sin that we are holding so tightly to. Let's be honest, the sin that we are in is obviously something that we enjoy and want to hold on it, otherwise we wouldn't really be struggling with it. But, why do we allow that sin to have much more power over us than what Christ does? I think that this is a question that I will be asking myself for the rest of my life. But, I do know that I want to have more of a remorseful response to my sin rather than a guilty one. Why? Because I want to get to a place where wanting to change isn't just about avoiding the consequences, but about deepening my relationship with Christ.

You Are More

I am often guilty of letting my past mistakes define who I currently am. When it comes to forgiveness, I think that I can offer it to other people without doubting myself, but I cannot do this when it comes to forgiving myself. I am also someone who sometimes allows other people to define who I am. I am not saying that I base who I am off of labels that are given to me, but I will easily do something if I know that it is something that someone else wants me to do. This is something that has improved in my life, but is definitely an area that needs work. I digress. Point of saying all of this: we are more than our past. Yes, our past is a part of us and we cannot go back and change decisions that we made or didn't make. But, we have a choice as to how much we allow our past to control who we are today. I can choose to allow the mistakes that I made as a teenager to determine who I am today, or I can allow those experiences to help me make better decisions in the present. Rather than allowing myself to be so consumed with my past and inhibiting myself from current personal growth, I can choose to move forward and live life in the present. Today, I am choosing to take things from the past that I can grow and learn from rather than letting my past control who I am today.

Not Everything Is Lost

When something bad happens or we feel as if we are in crisis mode, we can so often think that it is the end of the world and that there is no hope for the future. I am not talking about when we break a nail right before a date and we think that the world is ending. I am talking about those things in our lives that change things. For example, we may apply to a school and only apply to that school, then receive a letter of rejection. Now what? Or, what about when we bank on working on a paper two hours before it is due and our computer dies? Things don't always go as planned. Whether they be major life events or minor road blocks, they effect us. I am slowly learning that my plans are not my own. Let's be honest. If you were to ask me when I was 18 where I thought I would be 5 years later, my answer would not be where I am currently. My plans have changed drastically, and they are constantly changing. One thing, however, has not changed. God is still God. He is still on the throne. Although I may not be living the life as a millionaire in Vegas (okay, that is not really what I had in mind for my future, but it does sound rather appealing), He is still in control. Although my plans are not His, I do have a blessed assurance that His plan is a great one. It may not be what I had planned or even what I want right now, but I have to hold on to the fact that my life is HIS, not my own. My life plan is HIS, not my own. In the midst of crisis, not everything is lost.

Carry My Cross

So many times we hear in worship songs and sermons that we must take up our cross and follow Jesus. What does it mean for us to take up our cross? As I was thinking about this tonight, I came to the realization that it is much more than having faith or facing persecution. In the song at chapel tonight, the song basically was saying "take up my cross, and You lead, Lord". To me, that opened up a whole new meaning of what it means to take up my cross. It means no matter what is going on, no matter what burden or crisis is going on around me, I can still choose to follow with faith. Just because things are not going the greatest or life seems to be spinning in circles around me, I can still follow Christ. When everything feels shaken and out of control, I know that my God is in control. Why would I want to choose to lead when I know that the only stable thing in this life is Him? Taking up my cross and following Christ is more than just my believing. It means allowing Christ to take the lead and I follow. He is the one who I can rely on. No matter how out of control I may feel or how burdened I may be, I can still rely on Christ as my solid foundation. To that, I believe no matter how heavy my cross, I need to let Him lead.

Benefits of the Past

We are always told not to dwell on the past. There are even Bible passages that tell us that even God forgets our past. Psalm 103 states that as far as the east is from the west, so has the Lord removed our transgressions. But, why can't we benefit from the past? I am not saying that we continuously turn and dwell on our past mistakes and negative experiences, but I think that these things can be beneficial to our growth. How can we grow and learn from experiences if we do not reflect on them? If we do not reflect on them or process them, we may not see the things that we need to work on. It is one thing to realize that we have sinned or that we have messed up, but I think that there are sometimes more underlying issues behind things that need to be looked at. Why ignore the past if those underlying things are going to be things that help us to grow? Of course, there may be pain involved and it may be an experience that we don't want to work through, but the outcome could be beneficial. I think we face trouble when we find ourselves dwelling on the negative things of the past and the things that we did wrong. We can move on once we are able to learn from the experience. And, learning experiences are a process. Sometimes we may reflect back on something from 10 years before and be able to learn from the experience. Today, I am going to embrace the past as a learning experience rather than choosing to run and hide from it.

Helper to the Victims

Last evening, I came across Psalm 10 as I was reading through the Psalms. In my Bible before each Psalm, there is a theme listed that sort of summarizes what the Psalm is about. The theme for Psalm 10 states, "Why do the wicked succeed? Although God may seem to be hidden at times, we can be assured that he is aware of every injustice." The verse that really stuck out to me was the second part of verse 14. It states, "The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless." How many times in our lives do we turn to self pity or revenge when we are the victim of an injustice rather than turning to God? It is so much easier to hold on to our anger, our hurt, our shame, or our guilt than to completely give it over to God. Why? Why would we hold onto all of these exhausting emotions when we have reassurance that our God is the fatherless to the victims? When we cry out to Him, He will help us. This verse doesn't just say that we should turn things over to Him, but to commit ourselves to Him. Committing ourselves to Him means to hand the situation over, don't try and take it back, and allow Him to work healing through us. He is our helper. Today, I am choosing to commit myself to Him and allow Him to work healing in any injustices that have happened in life. And this doesn't just mean the huge injustices, but even the small things in life that are irritating to us.

Ruth

Currently, I am reading the Lineage of Grace series by Francine Rivers, and it is taking me a while to get through it. School work interferes, but that's okay. The story that I am reading now is the story of Ruth and how she remained true to Naomi even in the toughest of times. When Ruth and Naomi made it home, the Jewish people treated Ruth awfully. This did not discourage Ruth. Rather than leaving and going back to her parents where she could live comfortably, she joined Naomi and lived in a cave. Rather than prostituting herself for money, which would have been the easy way out, she chose to humble herself and work in the fields. Before actually finding work, she was disgraced and pushed away by many field workers. She was finally accepted, and was able to work. When they first returned to Naomi's home, Passover was just beginning. Ruth and Naomi barely had any money. Rather than saving their money, Ruth spent all of it in order to honor God through celebrating Passover. Why can't I be like that? Rather than worrying about tomorrow and how I will provide, why don't I trust in God to provide for me? My life isn't nearly as difficult as it was for Ruth, and yet Ruth's attitude is nothing like mine. Today, I am going to choose to focus on the attitude that Ruth had and strive to have a Ruth-like faith.

Blessed

Sometimes, I think we can become so wrapped up in our own lives that we neglect to see how blessed we truly are. Even in the midst of a giant storm, there are blessings. Today, it came to my attention how broken this world truly is. I am not saying that I didn't know that it was broken before, but today presented itself with countless examples. Needless to say, praying without ceasing was not quite difficult today. As I look back on the different situations and the people that I encounter, I come to realize that I am being selfish when I neglect to pay attention to the blessings in my life. Things around me may be falling and I may feel as if everything is out of control, but there are still blessings in my life that I need to be grateful for. Rather than focusing on all of the negatives that are surrounding me, I can choose to focus on the positives as well. I am not saying that I should completely ignore the bad things, because I think that denial is definitely an unhealthy mechanism, but I do thing that to dwell on these negatives is not beneficial. My challenge for the rest of the semester is to focus on 5 blessings each day. This doesn't mean just writing down 5 blessings in the morning and forgetting about them. It means going throughout my day and discovering different things that I am blessed with or thankful for. At the end of the day, I can look back on those things and praise Him for the life He has given me.

Relationships

Over the past few weeks, I have really thought about the relationships that I have in my life. Are they relationships that help to build me up, or are they ones that are only bringing me down? After thinking about this, the question of why we would want to be in relationship with people that would bring us down came to mind. I know that there are some people in my life that truly do bring me down. What purpose do they serve in my life? Obviously they serve some purpose or I wouldn't have them in my life. Of course, I am the type of person that really doesn't want to hurt others, so I probably would keep people around even if they were truly destructive to me. But that is beside the point. We were created as relational beings, so of course I am not promoting that we go and get rid of every relationship that has even been negative to us. We are all sinful beings, so no relationship is going to be perfect. But, it is important to realize who we are surrounding ourselves with and what we are consuming our time with. The people in our lives tend to have a lot of say in what we do. My encouragement is that we fill our lives with other believers who are constantly seeking to honor Christ in all that they do. This is definitely an area that I need to work on, and I am nowhere near to being remotely close to achieving this.

What's The Problem

We all experience different things from day to day. Not one of us can say that we have never faced a problem before. There are different experiences that are negative or positive, and if it is negative, we quickly label it as a problem. We go and talk to our friends about this problem. Sometimes, we end up in a counseling setting because the problem is too big for us to manage. Lately, I have been thinking about the different experiences in my life that I have defined as problems. A lot of them are small situations that really aren't that big of an issue. There are some that are large and really are problems. As I began to look at these different experiences, I began to examine what exactly the problem was. When I did this, I noticed that a lot of it was how I was perceiving the situation. Yes, it may have been a problem, but was my thinking and attitude towards it a problem? I'll admit, there are situations in life that we just can't change or control. When those things are thrown at us, I think that it is important to realize that we do have control over our thoughts and attitudes, and they are two things that we can change. We can control how we are going to react to someone or something. Today, I am going to make a conscious effort to making sure that my attitude and thoughts are not the problem in the situation.

All or Nothing

Lately, I have noticed that I have done a lot of things half hearted. Not only is my schoolwork or the things that I do for work affected by this, but I have noticed that my relationship with God and other people can be effected as well. In church this morning, the pastor talked about whether our relationship with God is really all or nothing. There are moments in life when we can feel really close to Him and think that everything is okay, but the moment that something goes wrong, we are immediately turning away and to something else. My question, then, is, what else is in our lives that we are turning to? What else are we worshipping besides Him? He doesn't call us to worship Him as well as other things. He is a jealous God that does not allow room for any other "gods" in our lives. As I think about it, there are so many different things in my life that serve as a god. One of those things that I turn to is busyness. I fill my schedule up so that I don't have to deal with everything else going on. When I feel like I am busy, I don't feel as bad about the things that are going on around me. This is just one of the many things that I have turned to instead of Him. My challenge today is to think before I turn to these things. Rather than immediately turning to these things, I will choose to turn to Him.

The Storm

As the weather begins to get nicer, the storms begin to emerge. Tonight as I was running, I looked up into the sky and saw the darkest clouds. The wind was blowing and the air was becoming cooler. One of my favorite life analogies is that life is sometimes like a storm. There are times where we don't feel like we have control, or we feel as if the waves are crashing so much that we are not going to make it through to see the sunshine again. When we feel like this, where is our trust? Are we trusting in our own strength to hold us strong throughout the storm? Or, are we relying on God and allowing Him to be our strength through all of this. Tonight during one of my devotions, the passage talked about trusting in God is a better choice than trusting in man. Trusting in man always means trusting in myself. Although I feel as if I can trust myself in more situations than those around me, I know that the ultimate level of trust can be found in God. Today, I am going to turn my trust over to Him rather than relying on my own power. When I feel let down by others or by myself, I can't be mad at myself or them, because I ultimately chose to rely on them rather than Him.

Where Is My Heart?

Usually, I can tell where my heart is based off the things that I am chasing after. If I am locking myself up in my room all day and isolating myself from the people around me in order to work on homework, my heart is chasing after getting good grades. If I find myself constantly hanging out with friends rather spending a little bit of time reflecting on things, my heart is chasing after friendship. But what happens when we allow ourselves to isolate ourselves from everyone and hide away? As I was thinking about this, the answer isn't that my heart is chasing after nothing. Obviously, there is something that my heart is either avoiding or wanting to spend time alone in. When I isolate myself, however, is it doing me any good? Or am I allowing myself to dwell more and more on the things that are keeping me down? And, when I allow myself to do that, am I allowing myself to harden my heart? The state of my heart is not something that should be taken lightly. Honestly, it is something that I should be greatly concerned about and attuned to daily. How do I do this, though? First off, I need to spend time in prayer on a daily basis, asking God to protect my heart. Not just from others, but also from myself. Also, I need to allow him to keep my heart soft. Only He can do this. Instead of allowing my heart to harden and become desensitized, I am going to turn to the one who can help in anything.

My Future, My Past

Last night at church, one of the songs had a line in it that I was fixed on. The line was "reign over my future and my past." As I was listening to this, I began to question, what does it mean for us to allow God to reign over our past? We so many times hear what it means for Him to reign over our future and to give all of our hopes, dreams, fears, and controls over to Him. We so often hear the passage from Jeremiah 29 that tells us that He has a fantastic future that is already planned for us. But what about our past? I think the passage we so often turn to is the one from Psalms that talks about forgetting our sins as far as the east is from the west. My next question was, am I allowing Him to reign over my past? Or, do I still hold onto it as if there is something that I can do to change it? Yes, there are things in our pasts that we would rather run away from and ignore, but is that allowing God to reign over it? The conclusion that I came to is rather simple. In order for God to reign over my past, I must allow Him to use my past. I must allow Him to take everything that I have done, every situation that I have encountered, and use that for my future. I must also hand over guilt and shame to Him and receive grace in its place. The new question is, will we allow Him to continuously reign over our past?

Taking Responsibility

There are times when we have situations where we have no control over what the other person is doing. We see them making a wrong decision, yet we cannot control their behavior. To try and control their behavior would not be allowing the person to have their dignity to be their own person. But, what about the responsibility for myself? I have the choice to make my own decisions and take action. We are all human, and none of us are perfect. So, there are going to be areas that we are going to have to take responsibility for. We cannot say that we are completely innocent and that we are not in the wrong. We can control our own thoughts and how we respond to someone else. Maybe, we responded to the other person in a way that was hurtful or negative. We must be able to take responsibility and ownership of our own actions. Looking back, there are many things that I have done that I need to take ownership of. Rather than trying to shift the blame to someone else or reflect on the pain that someone may have caused me, I am going to focus on the areas that I can grow in so that I can learn from these experiences. Instead of focusing on where someone else has done wrong, I can focus on how to better myself.

Friends

This week, I am really noticing and appreciating the power of friends. This week has been filled with ups and downs, and I don't think that it would have been as productive if I didn't have such wonderful friends. For example, there are times that I don't always want to study. I can also have moments of extreme hyperness and will act like a two year old and climb over the furniture, make weird noises, and stand on chairs. If it weren't for my friends patience and firm reminder of the need to study, I probably would have just given up and not studied at all. Another example: sometimes, advice truly isn't what you need to hear when things aren't going well. I have been blessed with some amazing friends who are wonderful listeners and are great at distracting me. Without these people, I think this week would have felt a lot worse. I understand that the week isn't over, but I know that no matter what, these friends are going to be there for me. We were created as relational beings, so why don't we take advantage of that more? Personally, I am determined to allow myself to be a relational being and be a friend to those who need it. More importantly, I am determined to rely more and more on the one friend who will never leave nor forsake.

When Everything Falls Apart

When life feels chaotic and somewhat out of control, He is the one that can hold us together. By no means am I saying that my life is falling a part. I feel as if that would be over dramatic and unnecessary. There are worse things that could be happening. What I am saying is that through whatever is going on, big or small, He is the one who holds us together. There are so many times where I allow myself not to turn to Him and turn to my own strength instead. Even when things feel as if they are falling apart, He is there to hold us together. Why do we so often turn to things that are not going to help us? Our friends can tell us over and over again what we need to do in certain situations, but nothing they say can compare to the comfort and love that we can experience from Him. Everything may fall apart. Everything may include all of our friends ditching us or turning away from us. How can we constantly rely on other people or the words of other people when His words are the ones that are going to get us through whatever we are going through? I am not saying that people cannot help or speak into us, but I am saying that we sometimes quickly turn to other people rather than turning to God. Other people can mislead us, but He will never mislead us. When things feel as if they are crashing, I want to allow Him to hold me together.

Will I Let Go?

Recently, a certain song has been playing over and over again when I am driving to work. One of the main lines in the song is, "Will I love you enough to let go?". Of course, there is always a reason as to why we hear things over and over. This is something that I have needed to hear. I have had to ask myself if I love Him enough to let go of all of my fears. I have had to ask myself I I love Him enough to let go of my insecurities. Most of the time, my answers are the same. Letting go is not something that is easy. I love to have control of things, and I think most of us feel the same way. Control is our way of making sure that things are safe. It is our way of making sure that we won't get hurt in situations. But is my control more powerful than His? Would this truth allow me to let go? Of course, when it comes to letting go, I have convinced myself that I can do it on my own and that I don't need the help of God or anyone else for that matter. But isn't that just continuing my problem of control and not wanting to let go? Today, my goal is to stop being such a control freak and allow myself to be controlled by the one who created me. It may not be easy, but it may make stress levels a lot more tolerable.

Miracles

So often when we are in the middle of a painful situation, we want to just give up and walk away from it. It can be so easy to want to ignore the pain rather than go through it. Giving up may seem easier, but it is not the answer. The pain is only going to come back to us and we are going to eventually have to go through it. Sometimes, there are things that we are not ready to deal with, and that is okay. We sometimes have to go at our own pace rather than the pace that others expect from us. Expectations from others can be good, but we must realize that it is our own journey and only we can decide what we are going to do. Others can give us input and we can take what we want from them. Ultimately, we need to decide on the timing and how much time we want to invest in ourselves. But what happens when we get to that point and decide that it is not worth it and want to give up? Most likely, we are burnt out and tired. A new day brings a new hope. When we are tired and ready to give up, we may just need to rest. When we rest, we can be energized and ready to go. This may not happen overnight, but we have to allow ourselves to rest sometimes and go at a pace that is comfortable for us. Rather than giving up, we must stay and work so that we can see the miracles unfold within our lives.

Use Me

Over the past few months, one thing that I have noticed that I have not asked of God is for Him to use me. I have asked Him for many things, of course, but in selfish reasoning and with selfish motives. It is so easy to go to Him when I feel as if everything in my life is a mess. But, when things are going well and I am not asking anything of Him, I neglect to even pray. In church this morning, we talked about the different gifts that we each have, and how God can use any gift for His glory. As I sat there, I began to think, "okay God, show me these gifts!" But then, I realized that God has shown me so many times the things that I am talented in, but what am I doing to use them? I ask Him to show me these gifts, but am I ready for Him to use me? We want so badly for Him to show us these things and to prepare us for His work, but when do we act on it? When do we take action and begin to use those gifts and talents for His kingdom? As I reflect back, the words are so easy to say, but is my heart ready? Am I ready for my Creator to use me in whatever way He wishes? Am I ready to take the gifts and talents that He has blessed me with and use them even if it is not the most appealing situation for me? Today, I am reminding myself that where He leads, I will follow.

What Kind of Friend

Recently, I have been questioning myself about what kind of friend I want to be to others. Sometimes, I think I am the friend that everyone goes too because I sympathize, empathize, and support them, even if they are the one in the wrong. One of my main reasons for doing this is because I do not like to face conflict. I have this fear that if I tell my friend the truth, they will not want to talk to me again or not think of me as a good friend. But, am I being a good friend when I am simply encouraging them to continue in a negative behavior? It really isn't helping them when they continuously are getting hurt or setting themselves up for something that is not good for them. Nothing really has happened recently that has prompted this, but I have noticed close friends of mine telling me the hard things, and I have not really liked it. Well, at first I didn't like it, but the truth is, I am learning and growing from what they are telling me. It is causing me to reflect on what kind of friend that I am. Am I friend that has Christ at the center? Am I a friend that stretches the other person and allows for them to see areas that they need to grow in? We are a body, and we need to support one another as such. When someone can't see one thing, we can encourage them by showing them the way. Instead of being the passive friend, I am going to choose to be a better friend to all.

More of You

Lately, I have noticed that there are many things that I am slacking in. One of those things is my relationship with God. I am not saying that it is completely non existent or anything, but I have allowed myself to become so busy that I have neglected to spend anytime in prayer or in scripture. Today in chapel, the speaker said something that really stuck out to me. She said, "just because you go to a Christian school and go to chapel, doesn't mean that you have a relationship with Christ." Relationships are something that need tended to. They aren't things that we can ignore and expect to remain in good shape. Relationships require work and a lot of attention. When we neglect a friendship, maybe when we move away from one another, we find ourselves slipping further and further away from the other person. If I am so willing to pay attention to my relationships with my friends, why can't I feel the same about God? Why can't I put so much time into prayer or reading His word? I convince myself that it is more important for me to study or to rest, but are those things really more important than my relationship with Him? One thing that I definitely need to examine is my priority and commitment to my relationship with Christ. Am I going to actively pursue Him, or am I going to sit back and become idle?

Quick Fix

If someone were to tell me that every pain, addiction, or sin could be taken care of overnight, I'd join in the cheering and immediately ask where I needed to go. You see, when something is painful or annoying to us, we will do anything to make it go away. The irony of it all is that we want the situation to change just like that. For example, if it is something that we are addicted to, we want God to take away our desires and the addiction right away. How long did it take for us to become addicted to whatever it is? It surely didn't happen overnight, so why do we so often expect or even demand that something be fixed overnight? When I am in pain, I have little patience. I want whatever it is to go away immediately. This weekend I ended up with a random rash covering my body, and immediately after going to the doctors I expected it to go away. That's not how it works. It took away for that rash to even come about. I was scratching for days before the rash even showed up. But yet, I expect it to go away after one round of medication? This applies in so many areas of our lives. The quick fixes that we so desperately search for are rarely ever successful. Sometimes we have to dig deep into the issue and work through it for a while before we even start to see a change. Instead of searching for that quick fix, I am going to choose to learn patience and work through things.

Getting Off the Roller Coaster

Personally, I love roller coasters, and anything super awesomely fun like them! I have never really been too sure as to why I like them, I just know that I do. Sometimes when we get off of the roller coaster, we feel dizzy and somewhat out of it. Our balance can be wobbly and we may feel as if we are going to fall over. The same thing happens when we finally let someone into our lives and allow them to know the truth about what is going on. When something big is going on in our lives, it is so easy to try and keep it to ourselves. We are told that if we share our problems with others, we will feel a lot better. But is that true? When we first share with someone, we may feel uneasy and nervous about what is going to happen next. But, just like when we get off the roller coaster, it take a while to feel "normal" again. Not only do we feel normal, but we have feelings towards the ride that we were just on. If it was a positive experience, we will have positive feelings. My thoughts today are rather than being discouraged and frightened by the unstable feelings we may have when we first share a problem with someone, we should look forward to the excitement and positive feelings that we can experience after. Only then can we possibly move towards feeling truly released from whatever is going on.

Don't Be Alone

When I find myself not wanting to face those around me, or wanting to spend more time alone than usual, I have to examine what is going on with me. Sometimes, things can seem so overwhelming that I don't want to face them. It is easier to run away from things rather than to face them. I think that I can do things on my own. Why do I need other people to help when I can help myself? Can I really help myself, or am I simply convincing myself that I can? Isolation is not the answer. Yes, it may feel safer and like it is an easier option, but it truly isn't. Its the times where I don't want to be around others that I need it the most. Isolating myself is only going to lead me to feeling worse about whatever is going on. God places those people in our lives to be a source of encouragement. He places those people there to help us through whatever it is we are going through. Why, then, do we always feel as if we can do things on our own? Allowing ourselves to dwell on the problem rather than reaching out to the multitudes of resources only is going to add to the problem. Today, I am going to choose to rely on my friends and allow them to turn to me as a resource as well.

Imperfections

In my opinion, one of my biggest faults or weaknesses is that I am a perfectionist. This can be a good thing at times when I am needing to get something done correctly, but I see that there are more negatives to it than positives. I compare myself to others so much. Getting an A on an exam is nothing if I know that half of the class did better than me. If I run a mile in 8 minutes, I will think I did awful if the other person running with me ran it in 7 and a half minutes. This brought about one question for me, "Who am I!?" Am I becoming what everyone around me wants me to be? Am I allowing myself to be so consumed with being perfect that I am losing touch of who I really am? Where is my identity? In this world, or in the One who made me? How far will I go to conform to the world? Will I allow someone else to determine who I am? These questions may seem somewhat ridiculous, but they are so true! We live in a society that encourages so many negative behaviors, and more often than not, we give in to them. Although we know they are wrong, we continue to do them because we want to be liked in the world's eyes. But how far will we go? How far will I go to allow others around me and circumstances to determine who I am? My identity is not in this world, but from Him, who sees past my failures and imperfections.

What To Do

One of the things that frustrates me the most is when someone tries to tell me what to do. I love to have control over situations, particularly ones that are involving my own life. When someone tells me specifically what I need to do, I probably won't do it. Instead of listening to their advice, I try to do things on my own. I love hearing the opinions from other people, but I like to make my own decisions. The irony of this all is that decision making is not one of my favorite things. But, if I can make my own decisions, I feel better. Recently I have been putting a lot of thought into my life and how much I let others speak into it. Although no one can make my decisions for me, I do have a choice to listen to what they say and take from it what I wish. When I am trying to help another person, I am taking away their dignity and their ability to be an individual when I try to make decisions for them. Sometimes, we have to sit back and watch as others make their decisions. Although we may think that they are making a bad choice, we cannot do it for them. We can only speak into their lives and pray for them. I have to remind myself of this all of the time. Others cannot make my decisions for me, but I can choose to listen to their wisdom and decide from there.

Changing Roles

The roles that we play in our families growing up are sometimes unhealthy, but necessary. Even though the roles were beneficial and served us well when we were younger, we don't have to stay with those roles throughout our lives. We can choose to deviate from them. We can choose to take on a new role, maybe one that is more healthy. For example, there is no way that I can play the same role now that I did when I was little. I live over 8 hours away from home. Trying to keep the same role as when I was 12 is not going to work. I have to evaluate what my new role is going to be, then commit to the change. Obviously, there are going to be people who are not happy with the way that we change or the new roles that we decide to take on, but there are going to be those individuals who are accepting and encouraging of our decision. Instead of being afraid of the negative reaction from those around me, I am going to take on the idea of change and work towards figuring out what role would be best for me to take on. I no longer need to worry about not being adequate or not filling my role properly. If something is not reasonable or is impossible, I am not going to be able to be the best person that I can be. Taking on a new role or redefining what our role isn't easy, but sometimes is necessary.

Meditation

Oh, how I would love to be able to spend at least 5 minutes a day in meditation. So why don't I? That is something that I have been asking myself for a couple of days now. I say that I am so busy that I can't even spend 5 minutes to myself, but I know that that is not true. When I go to bed, do I immediately fall asleep? Of course not! So, why not then? Why can't I take time to spend in prayer and meditation on God's word and who He is? So many times I think I make excuses for myself. When others around me affirm that I am super busy and commend me for still being alive with my schedule, it just reinforces to me that I do not have time to meditate on God. I need to stop making excuses for myself and do what I say I am going to do. Just because I am busy does not mean that I do not have time for God. I make time for my friends, so why can't I make time for God? Rather than allowing myself to not spend time in quiet, I need to find times where I can be alone and simply sit in quiet. For me, quiet is something that is scary and not fun. I would much rather be up doing something and making a lot of noise. So, my challenge to not only myself but others is to find a time in the day where you can just sit and be quiet.

Too High of Expectations

Perfectionism may not seem like it is that big of a deal, but when you experience it on a daily basis, it really is. Striving for perfection or setting expectations that are too high for yourself can lead to more stress than what is necessary. When I was little, I would constantly try and compete with my older brother. Both of us have fairly competitive personalities, which didn't help our relationship. This of course led to us constantly fighting, but it also led to us spending a lot of time together because we enjoyed the same things. As I look back on high school, I realize that I had very high expectations of myself when it came to sports. I would set goals that were nearly impossible to meet, then would be disappointed in myself when I wouldn't reach them. This led to me constantly comparing myself to others. I would always strive to get the better grades or the faster mile time. In college, this issue has gotten worse. Getting an A- in a class is unacceptable. Even getting straight A's leaves me feeling empty. But the question I am asking myself recently is, "why make it so difficult?" Why can't I just keep things simple? Today, I want to strive to simplify my life and reexamine my expectations that I have for myself.

Stop Being Passive!

Over and over again I have to remind myself to stop being passive in certain situations. Conflict is something that I try to avoid at all costs. Rather than confront someone or bring up an issue that could lead to a conflict, I choose to ignore it or personally take the blame for anything that goes wrong. I know where a lot of these behaviors stem from, but it wouldn't do me any good to dwell on the things that I cannot control. Rather than focus on the negatives that have led to these behaviors, I can choose to work on myself and be more aware of the situations that I allow these things to happen in. Most likely, confronting the person or bringing something up is going to be more beneficial than me holding it inside. The situation may not even be a big deal, and the person's reaction is so much better than I anticipated. But, the steps leading up to confrontation are what's the most difficult. Thinking about confrontation makes me sick to my stomach at times. One of my biggest fears is having to face different situations each day that require these sorts of confrontations. Rather than being afraid and allowing my fear to control me, I can choose to stand up for myself rather than being passive. Instead of taking the blame for things, I can look at a situation honestly and determine for myself what needs to be done.

What I Cannot See

There are times where I act just like a little kid. For instance, I tend to ask why a lot. Last week I babysat a toddler, and while reading her bedtime story, she continuously asked "why are they doing this, who is that?", and so on. The story should have taken maybe 10 minutes to read, but it took us about 20 minutes. It reminded me of the many times that I ask "why?". If I am asked to do something that I don't really want to do, I will ask why. There has to be a purpose behind everything that I do. Childish, right? I started to notice that I do this a lot with God. When something doesn't go my way, I ask God why. If life is difficult and I am getting annoyed with the way that things are going, I ask God why. But, when I look back on the many instances where I asked God why, I notice that He had a plan behind every little thing. Even though it may not have been something that I was aware of at the time, God still worked through those situations. I am even starting to see areas of my life where good is coming from the bad. Those situations are definitely ones that I was asking God about, but without them, I wouldn't be able to make a connection with a kid at work, or empathize with a hurting friend. Even though I may not like the situations that I am going through, I will look at the things that I cannot see as blessings.

Self Awareness

One thing that I have been trying to work on with myself is my own self awareness. I want to become more aware of the moments that I am starting to feel down. I want to become more aware of the times when I am getting irritated with people around me. When I am feeling frustrated or sad, most likely, it is not the fault of those around me. Just because there are circumstances that have caused me to feel different ways, its not my friend's fault. Self awareness is more than just being aware of how I react to others around me. It is also about noticing how my behaviors are affecting those around me. I have to remember that the people around me are not targets for my emotions. This may be somewhat elementary, but the saying "treat people the way that you want to be treated" is very true. If I don't want to be the target of other people's emotions, then why do I so often take my frustrations out on others? Even if it is their fault, there are better ways of handling my emotions. So, not only am I trying to become more self aware, but I am also trying to be more socially aware. By examining my emotions and reactions to those around me, I can become a better friend and a more positive person to be around.

Misplaced Responsibility

One of my characteristics that I think many people know is that I love to have control. I'm pretty sure that have been many blog posts with me stating this fact as well. I allow this control hunger to permeate every part of my life. When I see that someone is having a problem, I want to take on the responsibility of helping them through it. I am not saying that this is a bad thing, because we all need other people to walk through the difficult things with us, but it can become a problem. For instance, I take on the responsibility of not just walking with this person, but also fixing them. I believe that this is out of good intentions (wanting to see the other person heal or come out of the situation strong), but I know that it is not good. When I see someone I love not doing what they should be doing or regressing in the process, I begin to believe that I did something to fail them. This is misplaced responsibility. It is not my job or my responsibility to make the changes for them. Only we can desire to make the changes in our own lives. Instead of being disappointed or feeling like a failure when I see someone that I care about regressing, I will walk along side them and continuously pray for them.

I Can't Do This On My Own

I think that there is always a point in our lives when we want to change for the better. We recognize areas of our lives that we are struggling in, and strive to improve them. I noticed that even when I was young I would try and do this. For instance, if I noticed that I was purposely annoying my brother too much, I would try and stop. I continued with trying to improve different things throughout high school and now in college. One thing that I have learned along the way is that I cannot do it on my own. Yes, I can make my own efforts and have the mind set that I want to change these certain things, but I am nothing without God. Obviously, these are areas that I am already struggling in, so why do I try and convince myself that my own efforts are going to fix them? It is through God's power that I am going to be able to change things. The areas that I fall short in are ones that God can change in me. I can attempt to change these areas, but I am not going to get very far. I may see progress for a while, but I am most likely not going to see a lasting change. Instead of trying to fix myself on my own, I am going to choose to let God to work His power in me.

Living to the Extreme

In my life, I tend to live out the extremes. Things have to be one way or the other, or all or nothing. Although this can be good when it comes to the amount of time and effort I devote to my homework (I tend to lean towards the all on the spectrum rather than the nothing), there are areas of my life that this is not so good in. Learning and growth are two things that are a process. When things are a process, we can't look at them and decide whether we are going to give it our all or nothing. If we try and have it all at once, we are going to fail. We are not going to grow all at once. The knowledge that we acquire is not going to happen over night. But the other option, giving nothing and basically giving up, is not going to help us either. When we choose this option, we are cheating ourselves out of growing. I know that this is an area that is a daily struggle for me. On top of this, I am also a perfectionist. I think that a lot of perfectionist tendencies come out of this idea that we have to have it one way or the other. If it is not absolutely perfect, then we might as well give up. Today, I am going to take time to process the idea that life is more than just the extremes. I can choose to focus on the process of growth and how I am going to bring myself to a place where I am not living in the extremes.

Compassion

When asked to describe myself, one word that I would use is empathetic. One word that I would struggle to use is compassionate. There are definitely times that I can be compassionate, don't get me wrong, but at times it is a struggle for me. One thing that I learned this weekend was to combine patience and compassion. I have discovered that I can be compassionate, and there are times where I can be patient, but can I do both at once? In order to be compassionate towards someone else, I think it requires us to be patient with not only the other person, but ourselves. I can try to be compassionate while rushing the other person, but what benefit is that for them? My compassion should extend to not only showing love towards them, but I also should work at their pace. When I show compassion towards them, it is not me who I should be thinking out. It is not my time that I should be concerned with. What I should be concerned with is their well being and what is going to work best for them. I am not saying that this doesn't involve boundaries, because they are necessary. I am saying that when I show compassion to someone else, I need to be more mindful of their pace and abilities to work through something rather than only being concerned with myself.

God is Big, I am Small

Oh, how true this is! But I never really allowed this truth to permeate my life. There are so many characteristics of God that we hear and we know, but do we truly KNOW it? Yesterday, I was humbly reminded of the truth that God is so much bigger than anything going on in my life, or even me. The night before, I had prayed for a small break. I was exhausted not just physically, but emotionally. Yesterday morning I woke up still feeling somewhat down. I thought that a good night's rest would help me, but it really didn't. I checked my email before class, and found out that the county schools were closed. This meant that I did not have to work yesterday. I still went into work to help out with a few things, but it was a refreshing break that I needed emotionally from working with people all the time. God's amazingness didn't stop there! Financially, God is providing in so many amazing ways. My roommates and I are currently looking for a place to live after graduation, and we were blessed to find a place with amazing, Christian landlords. Although it is not set in stone, it was the encouragement that we needed to know that everything is going to be okay. I prayed a small, simple prayer, and God answered in great and mighty ways. God is big, I am small!

Out of Proportion

The big picture is something that I don't always see. When I have a lot going on, I tend to focus in on the small things and forget to look at the big picture. When I am committed to doing so many things, I can become somewhat stressed and irritable when I am around other people. There are always little things that bother me. Normally, I wouldn't make a big deal out of them, but when I am stressed and not looking at the big picture, I can definitely blow the small annoyances out of proportion. Sometimes I just need to step back and really look at what the issue is. Am I really annoyed, or am I just irritable from a lack of sleep and having a ton of things to do? I mean, come on, who really wants to be around someone who reacts negatively to the small annoyances? I am learning to surround myself with friends who will be honest with me about my responses. I have to ask them if I am over reacting, or if my attitude is a positive one. It is so much easier for someone on the outside to see things that we cannot see. So, let's surround ourselves with people who will pour into our lives just as much as we pour into theirs. Let's remember to check ourselves before blowing the small things out of proportion.

Two Different People...Or Maybe Not!

I am sure that many of us are familiar with the passage from the New Testament that talks about those who are in Christ being new creations. The second part of the verse states that "the old has gone and the new has come". I had always thought that this was true for me. When I accepted Christ, I no longer was the party Jen. I no longer was the fun, random, outgoing person that I had always been. For me, I had transformed into this person who was uptight about rules and somewhat nerdy. Today I had a great conversation with someone. I discussed the thought process of mine behind my relationship with Christ. I was honest and said that I hated that I was two different people, and there were definitely times that I missed the "old Jen". What she said to me will forever change my thinking of being a new creation in Christ. Just because we become a Christian does not mean that we change completely who we are. We change our sinful behaviors, but we do not have to completely change our personality and who we are. I can still be the fun, outgoing Jen that I always was. I can still hang out with friends and go to parties, but I need to choose parties that are good. I am not saying that we willingly go to parties that we know are going to be bad, because then we are possibly sending a message to others that we approve of the behavior, but I am saying that we surround ourselves with other believers and remain true to who we are. Just a thought to ponder for the evening.

Courage and Change

Courage is something that we need in every part of our lives. Sometimes, it takes more courage in one situation than it will in another. But lets face it, there are always moments when we need courage to get through something in our day. For me, trying new things is always a risk. I am terrified in some situations, and definitely need a lot of courage. This morning before class while reading out of one of my small books, I was reminded of the serenity prayer. Basically, when praying this prayer, we are asking God for the courage to do the things that are capable of, but we are also asking God for the wisdom to know when there are situations that we are not capable of changing. I am someone who likes to have control. If possible, I would love to change everything around me to be what I want it to be. But, as I have posted in previous posts, we are not able to change the behaviors of other people. They are individuals who have the free will to do as they choose. I think the reminder for me today is to accept the things that I cannot change, but also to rely on God for awareness of the things that I can change. Just because I am not able to change some things does not mean that I am completely helpless and a victim of the world around me. I will choose to focus on areas that I do have control of (such as my attitude and my reactions to others and events around me) and rely on God to show me the areas that I cannot change.

Perfect

While driving home from church this morning, I was thinking about some of the things that our pastor talked about. One thing that he subtly touched on was the idea that even though we want something in our timing or we want to know "why" God is doing something, we don't always get it. We do not understand the things of God, simply because we are not God. This made me think of the many areas of my life that I thought were going perfectly or I thought were going to work out perfectly, but ended up going in a different direction. There are even some situations where I have had others tell me that they think something is going to happen that they are sure is a blessing from God, but it has ended up not happening. This is just a reminder to me that what I or others think is perfect is not what God thinks is perfect. His definition of perfect is something that we cannot understand. His actions and His ways are not things that can be grasped by our understanding. I don't want this to be depressing or discouraging, but there are so many times where we are misled, then we become discouraged or even blame God for things that didn't turn out the way that we wanted them to. I have to keep reminding myself that God's perfect is not the same perfect that I understand.

I Am Not Your Mother

Okay, so sometimes, I have a tendency to mother people. I never realized that I did this until one of my professors (who is much older than I am) lovingly informed me that I was trying to mother her. When she pointed this out to me, I began to examine different relationships and different interactions that I have with people. I started to notice that not only was I trying to mother her, but I have this tendency to mother anyone around me. I panic when I see possible danger areas for one of my friends. I worry about a kid from work because I am afraid that they are making poor choices. Caring about someone else is not a bad thing, but I think sometimes we (myself included) can get so wrapped up with our concern for someone else that we forget to tend to our own needs. It truly is okay to care about someone else and to want the best for them, but it is also important to remember to pay attention to our own needs. Yes, this sounds selfish, but what good are we going to be to other people if our own needs are not being met? Instead of ignoring my needs and mothering everyone on this planet, I am going to choose to pay attention to myself so that I am better able to help those around me.

Choices and Attitudes

Personally, I am someone who loves to be able to make my own choices. If someone is going to make a choice for me, I want to at least have some sort of say in it. Sometimes, however, I notice that the choices that I make are not the best ones. Although things work out in the end, I still recognize that the other option would have been a lot wiser. But what about the small choices that we make on a day to day basis? We make choices almost every minute. We choose to get out of bed in the morning. We choose what clothes we want to wear. We also choose what our attitude is going to be for the day. When I wake up sometimes, I already feel as if I am in a horrible mood (mostly because it is so early in the morning). But each second I have a choice in the way I respond to the people and the situations around me. I can choose to make an effort to be nice to the person that I am working with, or I can choose to try and hurry the conversation so that I can get along with my day. Everything is a choice, even our attitudes. Today, I will choose to examine the attitudes that I have towards different situations and the people that I am around.

What is Comfortable is Not Always Right

There are so many times where I would rather just allow someone to do something because it makes things easier for me or it is something that I am more comfortable with. As I am working more with children, I realize that this is not a good habit to get into. Even though what the kid may be doing is easier for me to monitor, it still may not be the best option for them. This applies to more than just children that I work with, however. For instance, a friend of mine may think that it is a good idea to go and hang out with a guy that we both know isn't good for her, and I tell her that she should because I don't want her to get mad at me or think that I am looking down on her. Although it is more comfortable to tell her its okay, deep down inside we know that it isn't right. Side note: that situation never really happened, it really is just a random example. I guess my point is that even though something seems difficult or it is going to make you feel uncomfortable, don't shy away from it. As for me, I want to be the friend that chooses what is right and best for the other person rather than choosing the option that is going to be easier for the both of us.

Our Sanity

Sometimes, there are people in our lives that are doing things that we would consider insane. They continuously do the same thing, and as family members or good friends of these people, we try our best to have the person stop or control their behavior. When people observe our attempts, we probably appear to be the ones who are insane. One thing that I have learned over the past few months is that no matter how badly I want to change the wrong behavior of a friend or family member, they are ultimately in control. We cannot control another person, but we can control our reactions and the way that we deal with the situation. Rather than trying to change the person's somewhat insane behavior, we can choose to respond in a loving way. This doesn't mean that we allow the person to walk all over us and let them control us, but we make healthy decisions and implement healthy boundaries in these relationships. In the end, this is probably going to be more effective than trying to change the person on our own. This is definitely something that I am having to work on, and it is not an easy concept to grasp. Having control of a situation is much more appealing than having to control my own reactions and responses. But, it is definitely a process that I am working on!

A Common Theme

The current book series that I am reading right now is call Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers. I am currently on the third book, which tells the story of Ruth. The first took books told the stories of Tamar and Rahab. Each of these stories are amazing. After reading the first two, I noticed a common theme among each of these women. Each of these women were originally not Hebrew women. They were not a part of the Israelites, and they were not considered the "chosen people of God". The whole purpose of this lineage is that it leads up to the birth of Christ. Each of these women were chosen to be in a lineage that is beyond amazing. Tamar faced abuse. Rahab was a prostitute. Ruth proved to be faithful. Bathsheba was caught in a sin with David. The final story is about Mary, who is obviously one of the most blessed women that we can learn about. But think about it...these women were nobodies. They were women that had lifestyles that were looked down upon, yet God chose to use them. This proves the point that God can and will use those who are broken and covered in filth. So, next time you think that God can't and won't use you because of your past or who you are, remember each of these women and the amazing baby that was born out of their lineage!

Passions

This morning in church, our pastor talked about the different things that we are passionate about. Immediately, this made me think of a conversation that I had with a professor of mine. We were trying to figure out what I should study in graduate school, and we were listing off the different things that I am interested in. Honestly, this process was rather humorous. I think that this professor was surprised by the randomness of my list. After a while, she came up with a few different things. At the end, she said, "I didn't really know where to fit in your love for running, so you will just have to do that for fun!". It made me laugh at the time, but after this morning's sermon, I see it differently. Running is probably one of my favorite things to do. It definitely is something that I am super passionate about. So why can't I incorporate that into my future career? Who knows what my future career is going to be, but I already see myself incorporating it into my work now. I run an anti-tobacco program at work, and we are working on setting up a 5K to benefit the American Cancer Society. I am beyond excited to be able to incorporate my passion for running into my current work. Moral of the story: no matter how random your passion may seem, there are still going to be ways for you to pursue it :-)

Repeat Annoyance

Growing up, my mom would tell my brother and I to clean our rooms, usually on a daily basis. Most of the time, she had to tell us to do it more than once. After the first couple of times hearing her say the same thing, I would become annoyed. My famous saying was "I heard you the first time, mom!". Obviously, I did hear her the first time. It was the concept of taking action that was lacking. I recently read something that opened my eyes to see this situation in a whole new life. As a young adult now, I realized that there are still times when people will repeat themselves to me. And, my response is usually the same. It isn't that the person doesn't think that we didn't hear them the first time. The other person see's that we are not acting on what is being said, or we are having difficulty understanding what the other person is said. In order to get the point across to us, they must repeat themselves. It is in this that we can begin to ask questions and learn more about what the person is saying or what they are wanting us to do. Although hearing someone repeat something over and over can be annoying, I think that instead of seeing it as an annoyance, it would be more beneficial to see the intent behind what the person is repeating. If we are not succeeding at doing what this person is asking of us, we can find out how we can succeed. Although this may be a stab to the pride, rather than seeing this as an annoyance, why not choose to learn from it and grow? If we listen to these things that are being repeated, we may learn more about ourselves and become more aware of how we can better ourselves.

Here We Go!

Here it is! The blog is back up and running after many months of me choosing to do other things instead of blogging! Each day, I hope to post new insights from classes, friends, and my job. I am finding that I am learning something each day from different people, and why keep these lessons to myself? In my mind I am singing "sharing is caring, it can be fun...". Oh, yeah, and, you guessed it, there will be a lot of rambling and nonsense along the way!

The other day while meeting with a group of friends, we discussed the topic of emotional intimacy. Of course my friends and I have to have deep conversations. As we went around the table and began to share with one another what we thought was the real meaning of emotional intimacy, I noticed that each of us shared a definition based on our own personal experiences. A common theme among all of our definitions was that of trust. In order to have a connection and to experience emotional intimacy with someone, we must have a sense of trust in that person. If there is no trust, we will not feel safe to be ourselves or to form a connection with them. At the end of the discussion, one of my friends made probably the most profound statement of the evening. She said "now, what we just experienced, that is emotional intimacy." What a blessing it is to be a part of such a wonderful small group!